Two years ago today my mother committed suicide.
On June 17th 2008 it was a Tuesday, this would be the day that changed my life forever.
It was 40 days before our wedding. The last time I saw my mother was a few weeks prior in May when she flew up from Florida and threw me my bridal shower. One of the best days of my life, and now one of the saddest because it was the last time I would ever see her.
My mother had been diagnosed with Bipolar for 10 years, she probably had it a lot longer than that, hell probably my entire life.
My mothers controlling behavior throughout my entire life I feel played a part in my problems with weight. The one thing I could control was what and how much I ate. Food was my drug, it made me feel good. I still love food, I just can enjoy it and not be harming myself anymore. I am not blaming my mother for me becoming obese, but I feel in a way she definitely aided in it.
I have wanted to talk about this many times here, but today felt like the best day to me.
I am still angry, sad and every other emotion that comes a long when a friend or family member commits suicide. I am still deeply hurt, for the timing of it 40 days before my wedding, to me feels like a slap in the face. I think all the time how sad, I only had 27 years with my mother. I loved her dearly.
I still am shocked I was able to get married, I was on auto pilot until our Honeymoon where sadly I cried every day.
I will never be able to forgive her for what she did. My stepfather who had been her husband for 12 years had to find her. She also left my 9 year old sister and 3 year old brother (who was adopted from Guatemala)
Today is a sad day for me, and it will always be.
Here is a picture of my mom and I at my bridal shower
Oh, I am so very sorry for your loss. One of my uncles committed suicide when he was 25 years old. It is an awful feeling and you will never forget but the pain will ease as times goes by. What a tragedy.
ReplyDeleteOh! This is so heartbreaking! I cried when I read this. How sad to lose your mother in any circumstances, but from suicide, and so close to your wedding! That's a three-fold tragedy. How sad for all of the people in her life that loved her so very much. I'm sad that she was so sad that she felt that suicide was the right answer. I've never lost a parent, much less anyone very close to me. It seems like the hurt must never go away, but maybe time makes the pain a little duller over time. I don't know. But it was very courageous of you to talk about this. You should definitely consider delving a little deeper into your emotions about this and how it has affected your weight journey when you are ready to go there.
ReplyDeleteVery sad... I have had people die but never commit suicide. I imagine that is a whole different set of emotions. What a sad thing to happen before your wedding day especially... I am so sorry for you but hopefully as the time carries on, it will get easier, although I know it will never go away.
ReplyDeleteI'm so very sorry for your loss, I can't imagine how hard today must have been for you xx
ReplyDeleteDear Nicole, I know that this was not an easy post. But please know that if we could all be near you, that you would have a long line of people ready to give you comforting hugs. I can not even begin to try to explain why life plays out one way for one person and another way for someone else. But by your words, you have shared that you have so couragously faced this and are healing. And it takes time to heal and accept things that rock our world (this part I know). It is comforting to read that you are sorting this all out and hopefully will take away the good memories to treasure. It is so hard for us to really put ourselves in your shoes, because only you have walked this path.. but know that you have people in this community that care about you and your well being.. hugs to you Nicole..
ReplyDeleteYou are so brave. I'm proud of you for sharing. I hope that you find comfort in knowing that so many people out here care about you. Hang in there! Big hug.
ReplyDeleteThis is so sad and my heart breaks for you and your family. I am so sorry for your loss. it sounds like you are working through it and I hope that one day (maybe even today by writing this and reading responses) that you will find some small amount of peace. My mother is also bipolar so I can relate to your upbringing.
ReplyDeleteNicole, this was a very difficult post for you I am sure. I am so sorry for your loss. You are very brave for sharing this tragedy with us. {{{HUGS}}}.
ReplyDeleteNicole, I am so VERY sorry for what you have gone through the last 2 years. I had a family member commit suicide as well a few years back and I know how that affected me, but I can't imagine it with being someone as close as your mother. It does sound like you have come a long way though in your feelings and I commend you for sharing your story and hopefully by writing that it will bring you a small amount of peace with the situation. (((Hugs)))
ReplyDeleteHey hunny, there are no words that I can write that will make your mommy come back- but please know that I am always here for you, and I am so proud of you for how far you've come and for how strong of a woman you are. No one should have to go through what you've been through, its not fair, I'm so sorry! Hugs & Kisses, love you lots!
ReplyDeleteThank you, Nicole, for sharing this with us. I cannot even fathom how badly this must still hurt you and your family. I hope you make it through this particularly difficult day relatively unscathed.
ReplyDelete*Hugs*
My heart goes out to you! It's hard enough losing someone you love, period, but to lose them to suicide is just so awful. You are very brave for sharing your story with us. ***I am sending love vibes your way for today***
ReplyDeleteNicole-You are in my heart and prayers!
ReplyDeleteJust to let you know we are touched and thinking of you. {{{HUGS}}}
ReplyDeleteOMG Nicole, I feel for you more than I could ever say. What a tragedy that this had to happen, especially with someone so close to your heart, and at a time so close to your Wedding!
ReplyDeleteI have several friends that are Bi Polar and I understand how difficult it can be. But saying that, there is no words that I can say that could make it better for you, or say anything different than what the others have already said.
However, I want to say that I totally agree with all of the others comments, especially Barbara's sentiments. Just know that we are all here for you, and thinking of you in this sad time for you.
Nicole, I'm so sorry that you've had this terrible loss. You and your family are in my thoughts and my heart.
ReplyDeleteSweet girl... my heart breaks for you. What a strong woman YOU are to take the steps you've taken in your life. Sometimes seeing the example of what you DON'T want to be is powerful. And it's so difficult to do that when that person is someone you love so much. I'm thinking about you lots today.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry. I know how you feel, I lost my father to suicide in Feb 2009.
ReplyDelete~Sarah
Words can't express how sorry I am. I can't imagine the pain of losing someone like that.
ReplyDeleteYou know how much I love you. It's amazing to me to be able to meet such an amazing friend through a blog. I am so touched by everyone's comments on your blog. I know how much it took for you to write this and love you and your strength for doing it. xoxo
ReplyDeleteOh Nicole, I am so sorry to hear about what you had to go through. I am thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteNicole- I am so sorry for your loss. You are a very strong young woman to have gone through so much. Thank you for sharing so this with us, I'm sure it was difficult. I know your Mom must have been proud to have you as a daughter.
ReplyDeleteMy thoughts are with you.
Words seem inadequate - just know that a whole community out here in blogland is thinking of you. Take care.
ReplyDeleteOh, Nicole,
ReplyDeleteWhat a dreadful thing for you (and everyone involved) to have to go through. Words are never enough and I wouldn't even try. Your mum looked beautiful ... xxxx
That is so sad. I am sorry for your loss.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry for your loss...
ReplyDeleteWe are here for you sunshine!
Today and every other day I am thinking of you. Your strength is incredible, and what you had to go through so so hard and sad. I am so sorry for your loss. She would be so proud of you. xoxox
ReplyDeleteOh hun...I don't even know what to say. My heart is breaking for you. I had a family member commit suicide too - and it changed me forever...but it wasn't my mom so I won't say I know how you feel. Suicide brings emotions in a way no other way of death does...so many unanswered questions and so much anger with the sadness. I hope this post helps you heal and I hope you feel safe enough here to keep posting about your feelings - happy or sad - about your mom. We are all very proud of you today - and I'm sure looking down on you - your mother is too. We are here for you...you don't have to hide this pain any longer now that you wrote it out...I wish you peace and healing. Be well.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry for your loss. I'm sure that its a regular struggle to find peace, but it sounds like you are in a good head space, regardless. I'm sure she'd be very proud of you. For all you've become and all you will be.
ReplyDeleteI am so very sorry for your loss and that of your brother and sister....I cannot even imagine what you and your family have been through!!! (((hugs)))
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry for your loss Nicole...and that of your family and siblings. I'm sure it never gets any easier, but hopefully time will heal this wound at least in some small way and bring you peace.
ReplyDeleteNicole, I am so very sorry for your loss. It seems like the most selfish thing a person can do. It leaves you with so many unanswered questions. My husband's brother-in-law hung himself - his four year old daughter found him... He left behind two beautiful, young daughters and a wonderful wife and family. He suffered from depression all his life, so sad.
ReplyDeleteI hope you can feel this big (((((HUG))))))! <3
How did I miss this post? This is too little too late, but I totally feel for you. My mom has some of those same issues. And sometimes I think I'm going to get the call that she has killed herself. She has tried before and we have stopped her. An 8 year old shouldn't be stopping their mom from suicide. Sending you all the good vibes.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry that i am just now catchingup with this post, but I am so sorry to hear about your mom. I know it must be hard, but having grown up with a bipolar parent, I understand. You are a strong woman and I wish you all the best!
ReplyDelete