This for me will probably be the hardest post that I ever write.
Two years ago today my mother committed suicide.
On June 17th 2008 it was a Tuesday, this would be the day that changed my life forever.
It was 40 days before our wedding. The last time I saw my mother was a few weeks prior in May when she flew up from Florida and threw me my bridal shower. One of the best days of my life, and now one of the saddest because it was the last time I would ever see her.
My mother had been diagnosed with Bipolar for 10 years, she probably had it a lot longer than that, hell probably my entire life.
My mothers controlling behavior throughout my entire life I feel played a part in my problems with weight. The one thing I could control was what and how much I ate. Food was my drug, it made me feel good. I still love food, I just can enjoy it and not be harming myself anymore. I am not blaming my mother for me becoming obese, but I feel in a way she definitely aided in it.
I have wanted to talk about this many times here, but today felt like the best day to me.
I am still angry, sad and every other emotion that comes a long when a friend or family member commits suicide. I am still deeply hurt, for the timing of it 40 days before my wedding, to me feels like a slap in the face. I think all the time how sad, I only had 27 years with my mother. I loved her dearly.
I still am shocked I was able to get married, I was on auto pilot until our Honeymoon where sadly I cried every day.
I will never be able to forgive her for what she did. My stepfather who had been her husband for 12 years had to find her. She also left my 9 year old sister and 3 year old brother (who was adopted from Guatemala)
Today is a sad day for me, and it will always be.
Here is a picture of my mom and I at my bridal shower
I love you Mom